How the power of letting go made me feel free

It’s difficult. I have to say letting go is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Leaving a toxic friendship. Quitting an unfulfilling job. Saying goodbye to a former version of yourself. Theoretically,  we know that we’d be better off once we’re set free. However, it’s terrifying to take to leap. As usual, I find myself trying to figure out my thoughts. What is holding me back? Why won’t I set myself free? Will I ever take the leap? 

On the surface, the answer is quite simple. Once something becomes a frequent occurrence in your life, it’s truly hard to say goodbye to it. But I believe that we can unpack this further. See, I made sure to use the word ‘frequent’, not ‘good’. We simply get used to things that stay with us for a long time, whether it is good or bad. I’m not going to talk about external factors like jobs or relationships. I’m talking about our personality, our sense of self, our ego. As you’re reading this right now, think of this as the most recent version of yourself. I’m willing to bet anything that who you are now is completely different from who you were 10 years ago. Personalities change subtly over time; we don’t really take notice until we suddenly realise how far we’ve come. We can call this the passive change that everyone goes through in life. It takes no effort and naturally happens. But, there is another type of change, the active type. Now, this is where it gets a bit tricky. This is where a choice must be made. Are you satisfied with the current version of yourself or will you make the active change to upgrade? 

There is nothing wrong with being satisfied in who currently are. However, the problem is that most of us are only satisfied on the surface. Deep down, we’re desperate to make a change. We like the comfort of earning a decent salary with a desk job. We live a mundane and unfulfilling life but yet we still claim to be happy. On the inside, how many of us are screaming for a change? To start that side business that we’ve been dreaming about. To turn the hobby that we’ve dedicated years to, into a viable career path. But that means taking a leap of faith, abandoning who we thought we once were to pursue a new version. Leaving behind the comfort of predictable earning. We all know that starting again is hard. It takes a lot of effort and the results we’re looking for will most likely take years to accomplish. This is where fear and doubt come into action. There is the fear of letting go of that previous version of yourself. The doubt that taking you won’t be strong enough to withstand the change. Why would I leave my previous life behind? Is it worth it? I should probably be more realistic and stick with who I am. I am comfortable as is. To be honest, I am guilty of having this mentality, I look at every milestone in my life where I have needed to change, and there is always a period of hesitation.

See, growing up, I was the stereotypical nerd. I watched a lot of TV, played a lot of games, and was very socially awkward. I didn’t have many friends and I truly believed that being a ‘nerd’ was the cause of it. Desperate to be accepted, I made a change. I decided to upgrade to version 2.0. This version of me had nothing to do with nerd culture. If it wasn’t ‘cool’ then I wanted no part in it. I bought all the latest clothes and caught up on the latest trends, but I still wasn’t making friends. I tried everything that I could think of and still nothing worked. I became confused, angry and frustrated. Looking back on that time in my life now, I can see why that active change didn’t lead to anything positive. It was become the decision to change came from a place of self-hate. I hated that I loved watching anime. I hated that playing video games gave my joy. I hated that the things that I enjoyed doing were so ‘nerdy’. I hated who I was, and so I truly believed I had to change, or no one would want to be friends with me.  

As I prepared to enter university, I realised that I was given an opportunity to start afresh. I could make a choice on who I was going to be again. I could continue being the kid who tries to be cool all the time, despite being a huge nerd on the inside or I could take another path. I could embrace my love for anime, video games and TV. This path truly terrified me. What if I got bullied again? What if I made no friends? It took me the whole of the summer prior to starting to decide. I was going to upgrade to version 3.0, to embrace the nerd within. Now, version 3.0 was the same version 1.0 so you must be wondering how it was an upgrade. The big difference between these versions of myself was that I chose to let go of the self hate that I had held on to for so long. I replaced all those negative beliefs about myself with self love. It’s awesome that I love anime. The stories told there are some of the best in the world. More people need to give it a chance. These are the thoughts that filled my head as I went to university. As soon as I started embracing who I really was, I started to find like-minded people to myself. I started to make friends who understood me. There have been many more versions of me as time has gone on but I still believe that the upgrade from version 2.0 to version 3.0 is one of the most impactful choices that I have made. Many people have asked me if I regret the upgrade to 2.0, some people really don’t see it as an upgrade (which is fair). But, I truly believe that I needed to have gone through a period of life as version 2.0 to realise what was important to me. I would never have made the transition from version 1.0 to 3.0 without it. The awareness gained from that experience gave me the strength to let go of the self hate, and it was then that I became free.

Let’s look at it from another point of view, the launching of a rocket into space. I know what you’re thinking, here comes another science lesson. Rockets are marvellous inventions, which require a lot of fuel to make it into orbit. That’s why they’re so massive. Majority of them are made up of two/three stages with each stage storing fuel. As it races through the atmosphere, it burns thousands of gallons of fuel in these stages. When a stage has been used up, it no longer has any practical use to the rocket. It becomes dead weight. If the rocket keeps this stage attached, it will keep burn unnecessary fuel to carry the additional weight. As a result, it will run out of fuel eventually and never make it to its destination. So what happens, it is separated from the rocket and it falls back to earth. Allowing the rocket to continue on its journey. The concept of letting go to move forward is all around us and it really is a beautiful concept. 

In life, there will be many things that will hold you down, especially your perceptions on who you think you are. I believe that we are the biggest limiters of our own ability. We’re so used to the comfort of our lives. We tell ourselves that it’s safer not to push our limits. It’s easier to not risk going for that relationship, that job, that personal development journey. When we’re able to let go of all that dead weight and baggage, then we can finally upgrade ourselves to the best version possible. It all starts with a leap of faith.