Triggered! How To Self Soothe Anxious Attachments

As Valentine’s day is coming up soon, I find myself reflecting on my past relationships. I was always the anxious one, constantly getting triggered but not really knowing why. By diving into attachment theory, I realised that I had no clue to deal with relationship anxiety. So, I’ve done some reflections and found some ways on how to self soothe anxious attachments. I’ll go over 3 thoughts that trigger this anxiety and how I intend to deal with them.

I am not enough in this relationship 

When in relationships, this is a recurring negative thought that goes through my head. I’m constantly thinking that my partner is better than me. More attractive, loveable. More everything. So, I put them high up on a pedestal, in a place that I will never reach. 

In my reflections on this, I realized that this wound seemed to originate from my complete lack of confidence in myself. I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, for them to see me as I saw myself. 

Now, whenever I get triggered, I use positive affirmations to self soothe. It’s very simple yet effective. By stating positive statements about myself using my own voice, I’m subconsciously re-programming my brain to believe those thoughts.  

I’m worthy to be in this relationship. I deserve love. I’m worthy of attention. I am enough. Repeated time and time again, every morning. From personal experience, I can say that it’s not a quick process. I didn’t believe what I was saying for months. However, it’s starting to sink in slowly. I’m starting to be more of a friend to myself. 

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I will never be good enough for any relationship. 

A similar thought but this usually happens once I’m out of a relationship. In my opinion, this is one of the most dangerous thoughts to have. It usually starts off small. They left me. It was my fault. Blaming yourself for all the issues within the relationship. Then it gets so much worse. The spiral continues as you project into the future. No one will ever love me. I’m going to be alone forever. It’s a very slippery slope once you engage in these thoughts.  

For me, this wound originates from my deep hatred of failure. When my past relationships ended, it felt like I had failed my partner, once again assuming all blame. Instead of using the experience to learn more about myself and my needs in a relationship, I dwelled on the negative aspects. If only I did X, they wouldn’t have left. I should have been better. 

What truly helped, when I fell into this negative spiral was journaling. I would pick up my journal and write out every single bad thought I had. No matter how ugly it got, I put it down. Then, I would force myself to write things that contradict those statements. 

I was too needy. No, I wasn’t. I felt like my needs were not being met and so I acted in such a way that I thought would help. By doing this, I’m forcing myself to see whether the thoughts are based on facts or reality. It has been game changing in calming me down whenever I get triggered. 

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I need a partner to be happy 

When I first started trying to figure out how to self soothe anxious attachments, I looked into the attachment theory subreddit (a wonderful place to find a community. After talking with a few of the members, I realized that this wound was extremely common. I need my partner. If they ever left, I wouldn’t be able to cope. It sounds very dramatic, but it took me a long time to accept that I did feel like this at times. I had turned my partner into my primary source of validation. 

This is extremely dangerous because it’s giving someone a job that they aren’t meant to do. It’s telling them to fill a bottomless well. No matter how much they give, it will never be enough. I realized that I needed to become my own source of validation. Happiness and fulfillment needed to come from within me. 

Upon reflection, I realized that this wound was triggered because I wasn’t happy with where I was in life. I had a stable job but there was no passion. No drive to get out of bed in the morning. So, I made a change. I decided to start investing in myself. My biggest step was creating this blog. Writing had always been a passion of mine, but I was always too scared to take the leap. Now, that I’ve started, I’m feeling a lot more content with life. More confident about myself. Of course, there are good and bad days, but I now have a force driving me forward. 

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Conclusion

It’s important to note that it’s perfectly normal to get triggered in relationships. No one is perfect. You’re not alone in your struggles. Self soothing is an incredibly personal journey so don’t be discouraged if something doesn’t work for you. Just keep trying until you find what’s best for you.

What do you think? Do you find yourself getting triggered in relationships? Have you ever tried any of these tips and did it work for you? Let me know in the comments below, I’m curious!

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